Inspired by Peter Pan

[Forrest99]

Dear All,

I am a newbie here. I decided to register because I like Barrie's Peter Pan very much. Nowadays I started to re-read the story, and actually, sometimes it inspires me to write poems. If you allow me, I would like to share one of my poems with you, because I would like to know what you think about it. I'm curious about your impressions, let they be good or bad, however, I hope that I won't offend anyone's taste. (And last but not at least, I'm sorry for my use of English, I'm not a native speaker...)

Thanks for your friendly comments and critique in advance, and sorry if it sounds dilettant or does not meet anybody's taste.


In vain we grew up, I say,
it is a weapon with two edges.
Now we know so well
about the barters and the prices.

We became so very smart,
can count up to 1 million and more,
but we can never, never again reach
that magic shore.

We censor our thoughts,
some things are better left untouched.
Everything's scattered,
and we have to rebuild the world. Day after day it falls apart.
And day after day, we lose the ground.
We already differ in our minds.
No steady island comes up.

[AlexanderDavid]

Welcome to the forums!    Enjoy your stay!

I love poetry myself, both reading and writing--and I think it's awesome that you took inspiration from Peter Pan!    And no worries about English not being your first language--or that you would offend anyone, I don't see how anyone could take offense at what you've written.

First of all, let me say that you've picked up on the themes of Peter Pan VERY well in your poem!  It reached me emotionally, even in spite of the nature of the wording, which I found a little awkward.  I don't know if the wording is entirely due to English not being your first language or if it was done on purpose, or a little of both, but I have to be honest: I think it WORKS.

What I mean is, the fragmentary nature of the wording, the lack of rhythm, and the change in whether it rhymes or not seems to me to mirror the content, especially in the last stanza about "Everything's scattered" and "Day after day it falls apart".  To put it another way, whether you meant to do that or not, I wouldn't worry about changing it. 

I hope others will like your poem, and I hope you'll write some more and share them! 

[Forrest99]

Alexander,

many thanks for your comment! :-)
It's true, the poem is far from being perfect, and I think I should learn much more to write better in English. (Actually, I started to write poems in English only some months ago...)

The unrhyming and fragmentary quality is intentional because I wanted to express that the life of a grown up is not always harmonious. We may come across issues that upset our life quite easily... I mean, for example, Barrie wrote about Mr. Darling, who had to make serious decisions when his children were born, and he was in a constant distress... I thought of something like this when I wrote those lines.

And the wording... well, yes, maybe I'd need to turn to a lector. :-D :-S Now I feel I was a little bit too brave to post this poem. But I think that any remark is useful and helps a lot for me. :-))

Thank you so much again! :-)

[AlexanderDavid]

You're welcome!    It will help, yes.  (Wow, that recently?)

So much the better, then!    You are a true fan, as I am and as I think most or all of us are!

I don't know what you mean by "too brave", though--is that even possible?

Again, you're welcome! 

[SingsWithRavens]

Welcome to the forum, Forrest
Poetry is a difficult style of art to pull off, and I have to say, you do it with marvelous grace. As AlexanderDavid already pointed out, you captured many of the themes of Barrie's story within your poem. A few of these themes strike me on a personal level, and for that I applaud you.
It's so very sad to me that I cannot fly to the Island with the ease I used to exercise as a child. Only when I listen closely - "Listen out and listen in," as Mrs. McCaughrean would say - can I once again set my feet into the sand and imagine. I hope the day never comes that I cannot discern the crash of waves from the clamor of everyday life.
Your beautiful poem reminds me of the reality in which we all live; only when we get older do we realize the gnarled and ridged surface on which we've always stood is the Crocodie's hide, the sharp pricks we felt as children the tips of eager teeth, the sound of our beating hearts the mechanical click of Time's gears ~ that sinister, haunting elegance.

Don't apologize for a work of art that might not resonate with a handful of people. Your writing is fluid and graceful, and it was a pleasure to read.
Thank you for sharing. Please keep up the great work C:

[Barriesaxxy]

I wasn't quite sure what the weapon with two edges was representing, but don't let this make you feel like your poem is unclear or "bad" by any means. I agree that is does an excellent job of capturing the turmoil between childhood and adulthood. I especially like your third stanza. As has already been said, "everything's scattered" is a wonderful line, as is "we censor our thoughts." I feel this is very true, as children don't have social pressures the way adults do, and sometimes it would be better if we took away those social pressures. Your last line, "no steady island comes up," is my absolute favorite. I feel that it perfectly describes the dull sorrow of being disconnected from the island.

Don't ever feel like you're too brave to show someone your writing. The best way to improve is to keep writing and showing it off, and I'm right there with you, trying to get better. Even the professionals always have something new to learn. Keep up the good work!

[kimberleywil]

Dear All,

I am a newbie here. I decided to register because I like Barrie's Peter Pan very much. Nowadays I started to re-read the story, and actually, sometimes it inspires me to write poems. If you allow me, I would like to share one of my poems with you, because I would like to know what you think about it. I'm curious about your impressions, let they be good or bad, however, I hope that I won't offend anyone's taste. (And last but not at least, I'm sorry for my use of English, I'm not a native speaker...)

Thanks for your friendly comments and critique in advance, and sorry if it sounds dilettant or does not meet anybody's taste.


In vain we grew up, I say,
it is a weapon with two edges.
Now we know so well
about the barters and the prices.

We became so very smart,
can count up to 1 million and more,
but we can never, never again reach
that magic shore.

We censor our thoughts,
some things are better left untouched.
Everything's scattered,
and we have to rebuild the world. Day after day it falls apart.
And day after day, we lose the ground.
We already differ in our minds.
No steady island comes up.

Awesome is the word. Thanks for sharing it. Keep up the good work.




Professor Kimberley Williamson

[tcarroll]

My daughter and I were shopping in the mall a few weeks ago, and we happened to go into the Disney Store.  I looked around a bit and soon noticed Tinker Bell was everywhere.  Peter Pan was sitting above my head, and several other characters from the story were around.  How amazing. All of this exists because JM Barrie had such a wonderful imagination so many years ago. Inspired by Peter Pan...